When the Holidays Hurt: Compassionate Ways to Show Up for Grieving Parents

The holidays are often described as magical—full of wonder, joy, family traditions, and celebration. But for many, they can also be a season of deep ache. In the United States, 1 in 8 couples face infertility, and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Even if this isn’t part of your personal story, someone close to you—perhaps within your own family—is carrying this grief or uncertainty into the holiday season.

As someone who has navigated holidays while struggling with infertility and again after losing two babies, I know how complicated this time of year can feel. If you love someone who is walking this path, here are some meaningful, trauma-informed ways to support them.

1. Don’t assume everyone is okay

The holidays can amplify emotions—both joyful and painful. Someone who seems “fine” may be holding it together on the surface. Approach others with gentleness and openness rather than assumptions.

2. Skip the platitudes—they often hurt more than they help

Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason,” “It’s God’s plan,” or “They’re in a better place,” may feel comforting to you, but they can be deeply painful to someone grieving or longing for a child. Even well-meant spiritual or optimistic comments can unintentionally invalidate real grief.

When in doubt, choose honesty and presence over clichés. A simple “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here if you want to talk,” goes much further.

3. Remove “just” and “at least” from your vocabulary

“Just relax.”
“At least it happened early.”
“Just try again.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”

These phrases minimize the complexity of infertility and loss. They can dismiss someone’s pain, even unintentionally. Support begins with respecting the depth of what they’re experiencing.

4. Don’t press for details

Infertility and baby loss involve medical, emotional, and deeply personal layers. If your loved one wants to share, they will. Your role isn’t to gather information—it’s to offer safety.

5. Avoid personal questions about family planning

Curiosity is human. But asking questions like “Are you trying for a baby?” or “When are you having kids?” can land like a gut punch to someone struggling silently.

Even what feels like casual holiday-table small talk can reopen wounds. When it comes to another person’s reproductive life: if they want you to know, they’ll tell you.

6. Don’t give unsolicited advice

People experiencing infertility have usually heard every suggestion imaginable. Comments like “Just relax,” “Try a vacation,” or “My friend did XYZ and got pregnant!” may feel helpful, but they’re rarely received that way.

Unless you are specifically asked—and even then, thoughtfully—keep advice to yourself.

7. Acknowledge their loss and their baby (if they want that)

For families who have lost a baby, holidays can feel especially heavy. Acknowledgment can be a profound gift.

If the baby had a name or nickname, using it can be incredibly meaningful:

In a holiday card
In a quiet moment of compassion
In a simple comment like, “I’ve been thinking about you and [baby’s name]. I’m here if you want to talk.”

If you’re unsure what feels comfortable for them, keep your message inclusive—address cards to the family as a whole, or offer support without specifics.

8. If you offer to be there, truly be there

Support doesn’t mean fixing anything—it means showing up.

Being present may require you to sit with someone’s discomfort, silence, tears, or complicated emotions. Or they may want to laugh, escape, or talk about anything but what they’re going through.

Let them lead. Follow with compassion.

9. Remember that grief and infertility don’t take holidays off

Pain doesn’t disappear because the calendar says it’s time to celebrate. If you’re unsure what to do, simply reach out:

Check in.
Send a text: “Thinking of you today” or even an emoji heart with no words.
Drop off something thoughtful (a candle, baked goods, a soft blanket, a coffee gift card).
Extend an invitation without pressure. Let them know it’s okay if they can’t participate.

Little acts of care can be deeply grounding during a season that may feel unsteady.

A Final Thought

You don’t have to say the perfect thing to support someone dealing with infertility or loss. You don’t have to understand their experience to sit beside them in it.

What matters most is showing up with empathy, respect, and a willingness to hold space for whatever the holidays bring.

Whether your loved one needs quiet, acknowledgment, distraction, or a gentle presence—you can be that safe place.

Michelle Valiukenas

The Colette Louise Tisdahl Foundation

Home

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/colettetisdahl
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/colettelouisetisdahl/

Linkedin (Personal): https://www.linkedin.com/in/michellevaliukenastisdahl/
Linkedin (Foundation): https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-colette-louise-tisdahl-foundation/

Content provided by Women Belong member Michelle Valiukenas